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I Live in One Small Room By One Person, 9x9 Square Feet

Source: Women's Health
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a26228055/fear-of-being-alone-autophobia/

I live in a small room of 9 x 9 square feet/ 3x3 meter, one room by one person, and I don't have a private bathroom. I don't know what it causes I live in a small room. I don't know.

My English lecturer died last night and I felt awful and sad. He was the best lecturer and always assisted me to learn English when I was a sophomore. Before that, I have new friends, the best one, the environment, and the house, and definitely, I will be able to be welcomed by the community. But in as time goes on, I always feel alone and lonely. That is different with live independently, in which I can be doing what usually I do. I have fear of being alone for a long time. When I went to Richesse Factory at Lippo Mall and ate no-spicy food with level 2, it was perfect and delicious. But I envy where I sat down next to two girls who took a spicy food challenge, I thought and they seemed happy and fun, became the best friendship. So ironically, I sat down in my sadness mentally and had to play cell phone instead. Actually, I wanted to cry when I was sad but I couldn't cry. I didn't know why. I ask does it was normal in the group chatting and they responded that is normal. Well, I don't have a clue.

I'm being human, would never lie that I can show up and that I can live independently and freely. I'm free and independent, as I do what I usually do. But, the social interactions, I need someone who cares, plays, becomes a good listener, and comes up to me when I'm alone. I can't lie and I need someone, that's all. I fight for my dream as you know, but which the person who needs someone who backs up for my life and makes it happy, and does not feels alone anymore. I have God for sure, He never leaves me but in human nature, I think I can't live alone anymore. I know many people who have been living alone for the whole of their life and they are happy. I can't and I need a person who cares and is a good listener to me. Sometimes, I would be happy because I feel free and independent. Sometimes not feels better. I don't know either. 

In the holy book I read, the verse says human beings are created to be a friend and partners and God will never leave them alone. It will happen in real life, as what I experience now. When I am alone in this small room, I would play on social media, the internet, write, watch sports games/movies/ drama series, and just fantasy. Cleaning room for sure, doing anything you assume what usually you do. If I feel bored, I love solo-traveling, trying the milk and ice cream, just see-slighting in the downtown by motorbike (usually 10-12 miles or around 5-8 kilometers in an hour at 35 mph or below 60 kph), and looking for a free WiFi. Barely do the sin, and again. And, now I love to pray alone for the hours in someplace that usually, I come to (but no longer come there because the place is closed and can't be used whenever I want to) since it gives me more peace and closer with God. I have to pray already and give my one hand to the Lord so my hand can be united with someone I need and ask for. I don't know who is someone, but I believe it will appear as soon or later as possible I wish. I never give up because I don't want to be alone anymore and I have fear of being alone for a long time. 

As kind of what I feel and to be heard by heart out by writing this stuff. By reason of, I know being alone is never helpful at all. I wish so.

I'm relieved now because writing is my tears sounding that I want to reveal.

Thank you. I hope God will answer my praying and my hand that I have given by hoping will be united with someone I ask for and need.

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